That can lead us to respond in ways that don't make sense to others, are impulsive or that we later regret. When we act from a place of defensiveness, "we mix the past up with the present, which leads us to potentially misperceive what's happening in the here and now", she warns. "If you feel compelled to act, that's a sure-fire sign that you are in defensive mode, so even more reason to pull the pin and check in with yourself," says Melbourne-based clinical psychologist Jacqueline Baulch. You might even want to get some physical distance from the situation before responding. If you're having the same fight over and over with bae - and bickering about dirty dishes quickly escalates to "You don't love me anymore" - welcome. "It's about creating the space so you're not emotionally reactive," she says. Once you recognise what it feels like when you get defensive, slow down and breathe before you react next time you feel it coming on, suggests Dr Renshall. Perhaps you deny blame, complain feedback is unfair, feel a sense of righteous indignation, or point the finger elsewhere. The first step to overcoming defensiveness: recognising how it manifests for you. Take a breather and consider how you're responding Here are a few expert-approved approaches to try to keep your defensiveness in check. "I think we all get defensive when somebody pushes on something that feels too close to home, or touches on something we already might doubt about ourselves."ĭefensiveness can undermine your relationships, impede your emotional and personal growth, and wreak havoc on your reputation. Is your first response to feel attacked, or unfairly singled out?įeeling defensive "is a natural self-protection mechanism that we have inside us", says Dr Kate Renshall, a clinical psychologist based in Sydney. Your manager pulls you up on an oversight at work. Your partner complains you're not doing your share of the housework. A friend calls you out on a bad-taste joke.
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